A Period of non-existant Emaan and removing my Hijab

Bismillah Ar-Rahman Ar-Raheem

Qur’aan 13:11

Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves. 

Asalaamu alaikum and hey dear readers!

I admit, I have a confession to make. If any of you follow me on TikTok or Instagram, you may have seen my recent video where I share the story behind my conversion or reversion to Islam when I was 16 back in 1996. You may know what I am about to say, but if you don’t or you avoid social media like the plague, you may not know this about me.

So, here goes… gulp… I stopped practicing my Deen (Islam) and removed my Hijab towards the end of 2016 when I was 36. At that point, I had been a practicing Muslim for almost 20 years. I look back at that time period of my life and I honestly forget the precise reason that drove me to stop practicing the faith that I loved so much. There wasn’t one specific reason, though; there are many. Everything hit me pretty much all at once. I suddenly found myself lacking in Tawakkul; doubting my faith and doubting myself. I generally try not to air personal business online or in social media, as my trials and tribulations are my own, but I will state that this was about the time that my anxiety became uncontrollable, I developed some unexpected health issues, I was juggling some things going on in my marriage, I was working a ton of overtime, taking classes to finish my RN to BSN program, and to top it off, I was having difficulty acclimating to the area we had bought our first house in at the time (suburban sprawl, lack of diversity, need I go on?), and of course trying to keep it all together as a mother, wife, and human being. It was a lot and I just felt so miserable and disappointed in my life. What was the icing on the cake was that when I would seek advice for some of these concerns from the Imaam of the local Masjid I attended, I was essentially brushed off. When I sought advice online, I was told to “pray harder” or “try to be a better wife.” That was not helpful, as you can imagine! When I sought guidance and counseling from a marital counselor, it did not help the situation. Indeed, my marriage of 16 years fell apart, and my life partner and I went our separate ways. But, to circle back regarding the removing of my hijab, I no longer felt such strong faith, my Imaan took a nosedive, and I found it difficult to manage the day-to-day stress of covering in an area lacking diversity, coupled with things going on around the world at the time.

I was tired of being singled out with suspicion and, of course, my son, as the only kid in his class at the time who was not just mixed race but also Muslim, singled him out for some pretty severe bullying by racist classmates. So, yeah. I took off my hijab and stopped practicing.

But, alhamdullah (Thanks be to God), after many years of feeling alienated from the Deen and then feeling deep shame at no longer being a practicing Muslim, I decided in Ramadan 2024, on a whim (yes, literally) to fast for the month of Ramadan. I felt like, OK, if I’m meant to come back to the Deen, then this would be the ideal time. By the time I started to fast for Ramadan 2024, I had felt a deep spiritual void in my soul for years. I’m not going to sugarcoat it; that Ramadan was a rough month for me, but I was determined to continue my fast and to work on myself and my Imaan. After Ramadan 2024 ended, I committed myself to staying on the Deen, working on my Tawakkul, my acts of Ibadaah, and bringing Hijab back into my life. Alhamdullah.

---

So, here I am post Ramadan 2025 and alhamdullah I’m still striving every day to follow the Deen to the best of my ability. I constantly remind myself to have Tawakkul, and I feel like I’ve grown in ways I never thought I could. I also realized that I am someone who needs faith and a spiritual connection with the divine in my life for me to be at peace. As far as wearing hijab goes and covering fisabIllah, I am alhamdullah dressing modestly and am wearing the hijab again.

Anyway, I’m going to end this post here. Also, of note, I am continuing to update this blog, which frankly, as one person who also works full-time and has kids, is a pretty big undertaking. I have something like 400 posts. I ask you to grant me your patience while I do all of this. In the meantime, feel free to look me up on TikTok and Instagram as I regularly post on those platforms (in particular TikTok).

---

You know I love comments and feedback so feel free to leave them and also, feel free to check me out on my Social Media and Subscribe below. Also, it would mean the world to me that if you like my work and are feeling generous, I’d love it if you would Buy Me A Coffee.

-❤️ Bailey UmmIbrahim